2015-09-30 - 2:33 a.m.

My life is a mess right now. I feel so lost in my own head. I try to think about things and focus on what I'm doing but it almost seems impossible sometimes. I also feel like I can't relate to anybody, not even Chad. For about 3 and a half months or so I was able to at least pretend I was OK a lot of the time but inside I felt broken. If I didn't have to go to work, I might never get out of bed most days. I started watching a lot of youtube videos and became an avid follower of both Markiplier and Jacksepticeye. Watching their videos, I was still able to smile and even laugh sometimes. That, along with playing video games were my means of escape. In those moments, I didn't have to think about my life or how empty I feel.

I don't seem to have nay control over my emotions. I will feel sad for no reason and just start to cry over nothing. At least sadness is an emotion that I can still feel. Most of the time I just feel numb. Most people (esp my mom) don't understand this. Chad has called me selfish and told me that I'm like father. It honestly isn't because I'm being selfish, I just am not able to get out of the thoughts in my own head. I can't really empathize with anybody or relate to them. I can fake it work when I need to, but it literally takes all the energy out of me and I come home exhausted. Chad always apologizes when he calls me selfish or gets mad at me for being unable to make a decision most of the time. I am an indecisive person to begin with but the depression makes it a million times worse. I can't easily make decisions, but I especially can't make decisions about food. I don't seem to eat much anymore. I'm never really that hungry. I mostly just snack here and there. I just really don't care what I eat because most likely I am not going to eat a lot of it. Chad can't stand the fact that I never have input on meals. I hate disappointing him and making him mad but there is just a roadblock in my head that just refuses to let me think about things. Every time I try I just end up more foggy than before.
I've never felt this broken and dead on the inside before. I can't seem to deal with anything and the smallest thing can seem so overwhelming. My psychiatrist recommends that I see a therapist but the few times I've sat down to try and find one on my insurance plan that I could call to schedule an appointment with, I just get so overwhelmed and give up. The smallest task like putting a load of laundry in the washer just seems like too much most of the time.

There are so many things going on in my life right now and the combination of everything seemed to be my breaking point. I think I even know the moment I snapped. I think my downward spiral started when my parents, who had said they would get me through nursing school, completely mishandled their money and I was forced to pull $5000 out of my investments to pay for the last semester of school. I had to make that money last as long as I could. I was really heartbroken to have to pull out that money because I had been working hard and putting as much money away as I could for years to get a jump start on retirement later in life. Now over half that money was gone in a flash. I got over it eventually and did what I had to do. Then came graduation. Mom and dad came up to watch me graduate from UCF. Chad and I spent an entire week deep cleaning the house because they were going to have to spend the night in our house because they couldn't afford a hotel. We stayed up til like 4am every night making sure that everything was spotless. Our house had never been so clean and organized. My parents came up the day of graduation and met up with Chad and his mom at the arena. All was fine with me and after sitting there forever, finally got my degree and was able to walk across the stage. After the ceremony I met up with my parents, Chad and Arlene. I got to choose where to eat dinner and I chose Duffy's. Dad got pissed because there wasn't a bench or a place to sit while waiting for a table. He made everybody miserable and had an attitude the whole time. He couldn't even suck it up for one day. This was a day to celebrate my accomplishment and all he could think about was himself and all the things that were pissing him. off. He told mom that he wanted to drive back the same night but mom refused. He told me that the reason he wanted to go home was because he was in a lot of pain. Dad was pissed and was talking about getting a rental car and leaving. He ended up sleeping in the car in the driveway overnight. I was so mad. Why was he ruining this day for me? Well after he stormed out, my mom and Chad decided to tell me the real truth. First, my dad never even saw me walk. He left the auditorium to stroll around and came back with a snack as the ceremony was over. He was "surprised" that he missed it. No one was going to tell me that he didn't see it, to spare my feelings but at this point it didn't really matter. Chad even downloaded the video of it onto the computer so that he could pull it up on the tv and show my dad but my dad was so focused on how much he wanted to leave that he didn't even care to watch it. I felt like he didn't care about me at all. My mom was really pissed at him too and she asked if I want to know the real reason why he wanted to leave. She told that he wanted to leave because he thought the guest bedroom smelled. Chad and I spent hours cleaning that room wiping everything down, vacuuming the floor, cleaning the bedding and getting rid of any trace of the guinea pigs that used to be in that room. Apparently that wasn't good enough for my dad. Instead of sucking it up or even asking us if we had febreeze or something he just stormed out and slept in the car. That was the moment I snapped and I think the moment every thing started to spiral out of control. I started screaming and yelling about how Chad and I worked so hard to make things perfect for their stay and that was what I got for it!! All he could think about was himself and he completely ruined what was supposed to be a happy celebration for me. He didn't care how exhausted I was from cleaning the house all week to get ready for him to stay there, he didn't even care enough to watch me graduate!! I yelled until I cried and then just crawled in to bed. I felt so broken then and I just couldn't stop crying. Chad ended up staying up and talking with my mom but I just laid in my bed and cried myself to sleep. That was the day I lost all respect for my father. The next day he said goodbye to me and I gave him a hug but things were not ok with us.

Over the next couple months I struggled with getting a nursing job. I did eventually go on one interview for a job that I didn't get. In the meantime I've continued to work at TOAH. I think a lot that I made the wrong choice and should have pursued vet school instead. I am so passionate about the veterinary field and I've been in it for so long that I am struggling with leaving it. The fact that my coworkers and even my bosses at TOAH have become like a second family to me. I don't want to say goodbye. A part of me feels like I was forced in to nursing school. My mom said that Bonnie was the one who convinced me to do it. I honestly think though that my mom pushed me into it as well because it was a shorter time frame and much less expensive than if I were to pursue a veterinary medicine degree. I know so much in this field and I am going to miss it so much.

I am also terrified of being a nurse. I've been out of school since May, and I feel like I've forgotten everything and that I would be a horrible nurse. I just don't have the passion for it like my friends from nursing school. My passion has always been veterinary medicine. I am afraid that my lack of passion will show in my nursing care. I am not saying that I hate nursing. I don't hate it at all and I had some amazing clinical experiences while in school. I just feel like I don't know anything. and that I've forgotten everything I've learned. It doesn't help that I haven't had any clinical experience with patients since practicum almost a year ago when I graduated from Seminole State. The longer I wait to actively search for a job, the more anxious I become. I get so overwhelmed that I just give up and don't search at all. What if I make a mistake? What if I get in there and I look like an idiot because I don't know something or can't remember something. My memory and focus suck, I am not going to lie about that. The ADHD can makes things like that very difficult sometimes. Things are much worse now because depression is hindering my ability to focus on everything, including things that I enjoy like TV or video games. Depression makes my focus so much worse. I can feel my brain just shut down and I just stare at nothing. This is why decision making has been extremely difficult for me right now.

I mentioned my reluctance to Chad about nursing. I told him that I was scared, that I didn't think that I would make a good nurse, and that a part of me regrets that I didn't pursue schooling in the field that I love. I didn't expect the reaction Chad would have to that. He got very angry with me. He was pissed because he supported me through school, put together powerpoint presentations for me, did the research for my papers to get me started (I had trouble finding the research, but once I had it and we made an outline, I could write a paper without a problem), helped me brainstorm discussion post topics, helped me with all my visual aids with projects, quizzed me on NCLEX questions to help me prepare and was just there to comfort me when I was stressed about exams or clinicals. I would never have made it through nursing school it it wasn't for him. He did all this to help me, many times getting behind in his own work just to make sure I was OK. In his eyes, we were working toward a better life together where we could get married buy a house and start a family. He didn't mind helping me get through some of the worst school stress because it was going to lead to something better for us in the long run. I have until October to contact my loan officer and to start paying back the like $12,000 worth of loans. Right now, I won't be able to start paying off my loans until I land a nursing job with a steady income. If I don't have a job in my field I won't be able to start paying the loan off, and I am hoping and praying that I can talk them into giving me an extension. This is a thought that weighs heavily on my mind because I really don't like putting Chad in the situation where he has to constantly worry about money. We got engaged a year ago and that was the start of our official journey to move forward with our lives. Things sounded great to me. I've known for a long time that I wanted to marry Chad. No one has ever truly known me like he does. We both have our flaws and we fight sometimes but we always realize that in the end we love each other and we work it out. When I tried to open up to Chad and talk about some of the doubts that I was having including the small part of me that wishes I pursued the veterinary field vs nursing, Chad completely freaked out on me and got very angry. He couldn't believe that I could be so selfish to think about switching careers to become a certified Vet Tech and then continue on to get certified in a special area. It was brought up to me by Dr. M and Krystal and they said that you can make decent money as a specialist, but it would take a few more years of schooling. I never said that I was actually going to do it. To be honest, it really isn't feasible. Dr. M and Krystal were just giving suggestions to show that there are always other options and that I needed to do what was going to make me happy. Chad has every right to be angry because he has put in so much time and effort to help me get my degree only to hear me say that I wasn't sure I made the right decision. I think the thing that hurt the most was when he called me a failure and told me that he couldn't trust me anymore. He said the he felt like he wasted the last five years of his life working toward the goal of getting married, getting a house and starting a family but with the state of my head right now he can't trust anything anymore. If I have doubts about this then who says I can't change my mind about other important things down the road. I don't know how to show it to him but I understand what he meant when he said those things. It only comes out of me as a blank vacant stare. Those words have stuck with me and sometimes when I go to bed at night I hear his voice saying them again and I cry until I fall asleep. I even tried to give him the ring back because I felt like I was just a burden on him. What makes it even worse is that I agree with him. I am a failure. I've never been good at big life changes and I've never had the self confidence to just jump in and try. The thought of me becoming an RN in a hospital is just so scary to me. I am in charge of peoples lives and if I am not careful, someone could die. That's a lot of pressure and the more I think about it, the more my anxiety increases. I need to redevelop my confidence in my skills. Maybe I should do more NCLEX questions just to keep things fresh in my mind. I know the longer I wait the harder it will be, but at this point right now, I need to get help to get my head back in order. Right now the only emotion I am able to feel is sadness (which is usually for no reason at all. I could look at a book on a shelf and start crying for no reason). The rest of the time I walk around in a daze. I just feel numb, sort of like a robot just going through the motions. I don't feel like I'm actually living my life. I am just stuck inside my head 99% of the time. The good thing about Chad is that once he gets things off his chest and calms down we are able to communicate a little better and work things out. He gave me the ring back and we are both going to try to communicate better. I love him so much, even if I don't show it all the time. It's frustrating when you can't control your emotions and the things you say never come out right. I don't know if it's the antidepressant that I am taking right now or what, but everything seems to annoy me and I get irritable very quickly. I yelled at a dog today at work and that is not normally like me. I know my irritability is starting to affect Chad. I really don't mean it and I wish that I could make him understand that sometimes I have no control over it at all.I'm just glad that he is still by my side supporting me, even if I frustrate him a lot.

I miss being able to feel happiness. Occasionally I get to feel it for a few brief moments, like when I saw the manatees the other day. As soon as I was on the way home though the numbness kicked back in. It is my bodies mechanism of not having to think about my problems so I don't have a mental breakdown. I'm just tired all the time. Tired of pretending I'm happy when I'm around other people and I'm tired of feeling nothing but a dull ache inside my soul. I'm scared that even my methods of escape like video games and youtube will eventually sop working and I will be left with nothing.

My family is a another whole fucked up issue to talk about in my next entry. This one has gotten way to long!

To be continued.....

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