2015-09-30 - 9:11 a.m.

I guess when I finished the last entry, I didn't realize how late it was. No sleep for me tonight since as soon as I was done I had to drop off Ashes at my work so she can have a dental and a growth removal surgery. Now I get to hang at Starbucks until they are just about done with surgery so I can come back and shave her down while she's still under anesthesia. I love when she is half nakey with fuzzy boots!

I love my animals and I will do anything for any of them. Ashes, however, is my baby. She's been to the vet 3 times in the past three weeks. She decided to vomit 20 times on labor day so Dr. M met me at the clinic. We did bloodwork, which was normal, an Xray which was normal and ended up giving her an injection of Cerenia which is an anti-emetic/anti-inflammatory. She did fine after that until the following week where she started limping pretty bad. IT got progressively worse overnight so I took her in last week to get it checked it out. Xrays revealed that she has an enthesophyte, or a mineralized deposit in her tendon in her front left leg. IT is fairly large and could be causing an arthritis flare up. She also has another on her front right leg but it doesn't seem to bother her much. She seemed to feel much better after getting an anti-inflammatory injection but I seriously hope that it doesn't become a long term problem. Lastly, she is back at the vet right now. Just dropped her off and held ashes for Lauren to place her IV. She seems terrified. She will be getting her teeth cleaned today and Dr. M will be Xraying her canine tooth because it may be causing an issue and we've been monitoring it for 2 years. In addition, Dr. M will be removing a growth over Ashes' right hip. I am sending it to the pathologist because my biggest, especially due to it's location, is some sort of cancer that came with repeated vaccines.It's been a fun morning for me on no sleep! I am currently at Starbucks trying to energize myself with coffee.

And now on to a completely different subject. I mentioned before that Youtube videos have pretty much been the only thing keeping me somewhat sane lately. The first I discovered and watched every day was Markiplier. Through him I discovered Jacksepticeye. I randomly stumbled upon a Markiplier video and it actually made me laugh, which is something that I almost had forgotten how to do. It made me feel better and it made me forget my troubles for a while. I could just sit there and watch videos and laugh (or cry if it was a sad playthrough). This part is going to sound so ridiculously silly. I'm 36 years old and I still pretend to live in fantasy worlds. It's weird because I wasn't doing that for a long time, years and years even, but as soon as I felt like my life was falling apart beyond my control and the depression sank in, I reverted back to my old ways. I make up these situations in my head where Markiplier and I met by happenstance and became friends. It's weird to have a connection just to somebody that you watch on youtube, but I would watch him everyday. It was a means to escape for a while and not have to think about all the things I failed to do or all the numbness I was feeling. Mark's videos always made me smile and even laugh sometimes. It got to the point where I was looking foward to watching his new videos every day. I went back and watched a lot of his older videos and saw him mature over the past three years. I sort of developed a mild crush on him. I didn't become a crazy fangirl or anything. I didn't stalk his tumbler or Facebook, in fact I barely even commented on his videos. HE felt to me like a really genuine person who wanted to change the world for the better and I really admired that in him. He had is fair share of drama recently with people going crazy about his ex girlfriend and why things went down the way they did. Fans were upset that Mark tried to hide her, but nobody knows if that was his idea or hers. All that drama aside, things were going well. I was watching his videos everyday and then discovered Jacksepticeye. The first video I ever watched of his I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. I love his craziness! He says whatever comes to his mind no matter how random and the funny thing is that I normally can follow his crazy train of thought. Maybe it's an ADHD thing but I have no trouble keeping up with him and his antics. I started making sure that I watched both Jack (Sean) and Mark everyday. It gave me something to look forward to when I came home from work because Chad was usually working. It kept me entertained and I was able to escape my own head until it was time to go to bed.

Through Markiplier's channel, I discovered Cyndago, Wade, Matthias and Bob's channels as well. I didn't watch Bob and Wade everyday but when they played things I wanted to see, I watched. I also would watch Bob's livestreams with his wife Mandy. I haven't been watching Wade as much right now because he is playing a game that I am planning on playing myself and I don't want to ruin for me. I pretty much watch Matthias videos when he posts them like twice a week. He does a lot of different things on his channel including challenges, reading comments and trying food from other countries just to name a few. I discovered him through Mark when Mark had a guest appearances on some of his videos. A video would be on Mark's channel and a second one on Matthias' channel, which would usually have an alternate ending. Very fun to watch and the best are the Whisper challanges!

Cyndago, I discovered on Mark's channel. There were several sketch comedy skits that they did together that were very funny. Cyndago had their own sketch comedy channel and Mark helped them move to LA so they could expand on their ideas and do more collaborations. Most of Cyndago's videos made me laugh and were pretty funny but some of them were a little bit crude and just made me shake my head. Daniel and Ryan were still really young, in fact they just turned 21 this year I believe. A few months ago, Daniel and Ryan added Matt to their group. Matt also became Mark's editor for his videos. The four guys ended up getting a house and moving in together. The house would have a studio in it for filming and plenty of room for Daniel's guitar and other musical equipment. I hadn't really listened to Daniel's music until recently but he was extremely talented.

Mark did a charity livestream event to raise money for the DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) on Friday September 4th. He played different games on the youtube gaming channel and people were chatting and just watching him play and talk. HE also had 20 special Markiplier's heroes ipods to give away during the stream. I watched for pretty much the full 12 hours, but alas no ipod for me :-( I had barely enough money to donate very much but I ended up donating $40 dollars because it is a cause that is close to my heart. I have struggled with depression in the past. Surprisingly enough, during the worst it ever got, Michelle helped me through and dancing helped me work through my problems. I have been on antidepressants in the past and I am currently on them again. I was happy that Mark was trying to reach his goal and he would have if the website didn't keep crashing. HE had made a promise that he would dye his hair pink if we reached the goal. Jack tweeted that if Mark dyed his hair pink, Jack would dye his hair green. The hair dye was a go and Jack made good on his promise and Mark and the Cyndago guys got their hair done as well. Seeing Mark with pink hair was weird, but surprisingly, he can pull it off! On September 15th Mark announced on Facebook that we had raised $203,048 for charity to support the DBSA.

The next day...a Facebook message from Mark had all of his fans very worried. He said that something very serious happened and that he wouldn't be able to post videos for a while. He asked everyone for patience while he handled a personal matter. The Markiplier community was freaking and trying to figure out what was going on. Mark, Matt his editor, and Ryan had all check in on Twitter but Daniel had not. I had this horrible feeling that something bad had happened to him but I was not prepared for the news that broke the day before my birthday. Daniel had tried to commit suicide and was found in his room. He was rushed to the hospital and was in the ICU. Doctors said that he had irreversible brain damage and would not survive so his family took him off life support and he passed away. I was shocked. I could only imagine what Mark, Matt and Ryan were going through. I just cried half the night because I was just so sad. I had watched his videos, but I had never met him in real life. That didn't matter though because it still felt like losing a friend. The hardest part however was watching how Daniel's death affected everyone else like Mark, Ryan and Matt. Even Matthias was sad. Mark had just done the livestream for DBSA, which just made the situation more tragic. No one knew the demons that Daniel was facing and Mark has been taking it really hard, from the few updates he's posted on twitter, facebook and the one video update on youtube. As someone struggling with depression right now, I know that as time goes on you learn to be able to hide it well. But the more you hide it away, the worse it gets, for me at least. As a fan who has looked to Mark to make me laugh everyday, it just breaks my heart to see him like this. He posted a video titled "Lost a Friend". It was very hard to watch because he just looked so broken. He is planning to come back to the Markiplier channel soon but he's not exactly sure when. It sounds stupid but watching so many of his videos, it's almost like he's become my friend, even if he has no clue who I am. I miss my friend and I miss his laughter and his smile. It was something I looked forward to every day to make me laugh and to help me escape the pain and emptiness for a little while. I hope that getting a dog will help him and he will be able to move on from this horrible tragedy. It will never go away, but time will lessen the pain eventually.

Jacksepticeye, he never really met Daniel and he actually struggled with whether or not he should post videos once the news broke and shook up the Youtube community. He decided to continue to upload videos like he always has, 2 a day. He wanted people to be able to have an escape since Mark needed time to heal. Thank god he did because his videos are what is keeping me sane right now. I used to watch his videos before all this tragedy happened, but I tended to watch more of Mark's for some reason. Maybe because I found him first? Who knows! Well I've been binge watching Jack videos for days now. He makes me laugh even harder than Mark did sometimes. I went through and watched his Vlog playlist. I watched every vlog from when he first started the channel and watched him grow all the way to his vlog about 6 million subscribers. It was very heartwarming and I felt like he was a regular person that I could relate to. He wanted so badly for his subscribers to feel like they mattered to him and was so afraid that he would come off the wrong way like he was bragging about things. In reality, he is very humble. As I watched more and more vlogs and videos of his, I realized that I really like him. I'm not talking about fangirl crush like him, I'm saying that I grew to really like the person he became. As his fan base grew, he was doing everything in his power to try and communicate with fans as much as he could and he really felt bad when he thought that people's opinion of him might change. I really respect his dedication to consistently have two videos up every day as well as his dedication to keeping in contact with his community. I love watching his vlogs because it reminds me that he is just a regular person who gets to do what he loves. It makes him seem more like a friend than a "celebrity". He is always truly grateful for all of his subscribers.

Jacksepticeye has always said the he looked up to Markiplier and that Mark was one of the reasons that Jack started to do youtube in the first place. He eventually was able to do collaboration videos with Mark and Wade and several other Youtubers. This year in March, Jack was able to go to Boston for Pax East. It was his first time in America and the first time he was able to meet Mark and several other Youtubers. He posted a vlog about it called "Best Weekend Ever". He was so excited about his experience there and especially about the fact that he got to hang out with Mark and other youtubers. The part that really gets me was when he was talking about having to say goodbye to them. He and Mark were staying at the hotel and there was someone in the elevator with them so his goodbye to Mark was a really simple "nice to meet you, talk on skype" and a quick hug was exchanged. Jack felt awful about the way he said goodbye because he felt that he didn't express just how grateful he was and hoped that Mark knew it. He said that he was upset that he had to go the next say and he was sad that he couldn't meet everyone the next day and especially sad because he couldn't meet more fans. He even started crying because he regretted how he said goodbye to everyone. This particular vlog got me to tear up as well. I love that Jack is comfortable enough to share things like this with us and isn't afraid to show emotion. Just one more thing that makes him so much more relatable to all of us who watch him and it makes the connection with his "fans" (he hates that word!) even stronger.

Jack posted a vlog yesterday about how he is afraid of failing us. He wants to be there for his fans and interact with as many of them as possible because he is just so grateful for them every day. He makes a concerted effort to interact with fans on tumbler, in youtube comments and on twitter. I got a tumblr for the sole purpose of trying to win a Markiplier ipod. I never thought I would use tumblr but I see that Jack is on it everyday. Two days ago I had to take my fiance to the hospital because he was in such severe pain. They had to do some tests and and other diagnostics. While he was gone I watched some Jack videos on my phone. I later posted a blog on tumblr explaining how I was at the hospital waiting for my fiance to get tests run and watching Jack's videos kept me sane. There was nothing seriously wrong with Chad, thank goodness! He just has a painful road ahead until he passes his kidney stone. Anyway, long story short, in my blog on tumblr I thanked Jack and for the hell of it and used #jacksepticeye at the end. About four hours later my phone gave me a tumblr notification. Jack had seen my post and liked it! I was blown away. I never thought that he would even see the post. Not only did he see it, but he liked it to show me that he did see it. I was just in shock. That one little gesture meant more to me than he will ever know. I really feel like he truly cares about all of us. He says all the time that he wants to be as interactive with the community he's built as much as he possibly can. I had heard him say that many times before and I have seen him retweet things occasionally or reblog a tumblr post. I know that he does interact some but the fact that he liked my tumblr post yesterday finally made it sink in for me. Sometimes I do feel a little bad for Jack he is always working on videos everyday, he lives alone and he has said before that he only really goes out to go to the store or something. I think he's so active with his community as a way to not feel totally alone.

Ok I am done rambling about youtubers now. This entry got way to long! Laters!

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